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The only thing I can think of that I was ashamed of and that I “came out” with, is that I grew up in a violent home. ; My father was violent and there was a lot of violence around me and inflicted upon me. ; This is truly my closet, except for the sexual closet. ; But this was the language and I thought that this language was prevalent in other places as well. But also something in me understood that this is not something you are proud of. But, you know, I used my hands and I remember the day when I decided I am not using this language anymore. I understood that this is not my language and it’s not the language I want to adopt- the strong that beats the weaker and the weak beats the weakest. I had a younger brother and sister that were weaker than me and I used to beat them. I think I was 10 or 12 when I decided that I wasn’t going to hit them any more. “What happened in your mind?” It was a decision I understood that this isn’t what I want. I remember the day that my sister, who is 2 years younger than me, we fought. it was noontime in summer, we were in the back garden near the kitchen and she was going wild, jumping and pulling my hair. and I stood, I was bigger than her physically, 2 years difference in that age is significant, and I took her hands with force because she really held on to me with strength, and told her “Juju, I don’t want to hit you”, it was like a mantra I was saying to myself or to her. and I was standing and my tears were pouring down- “juju, I don’t want to hit you”. at some point I had to push her away from me and she fell and started weeping. that was the last time I ever touched my siblings or anyone violently. my father one time, I told him go away from me, go away from me, go away from me, and he is a big man, I touched him here at the sternum and he almost stopped breathing, that was the last time he came near me. with my siblings I always knew how to defend myself, I had technique, you learn techniques. so you see, I talk about it now, but if we spoke about it ten years ago I wouldn’t talk like this. but still even though I speak freely now there is a feeling that is unpleasant, uncomfortable, so I make jokes. it’s something that is painful. pain is not something we think of as a pleasant experience, some of us do, a certain part of us, but not when you’re small. but it’s still a place that isn’t clean, still there is a “closet”, there is shame. I felt this in relation to the violent home, which is also an amazing home and there are also splendid things, and I love my brothers and sisters. and that’s it.